My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
