Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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