I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
