I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
