i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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