he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
