I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
