We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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