She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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