ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
