they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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