Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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