"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Who died my cat blue again?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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