Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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