If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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