i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
