I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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