all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
