Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
