my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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