the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
