I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
