I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
