I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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