He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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