apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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