who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
