I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You dont lie about slip and slides
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
