What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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