So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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