you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
