i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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