I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
