You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
