So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
