my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
