So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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