yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
