roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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