i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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