ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
