Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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