Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
