my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
