it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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