Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
