Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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