glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
