I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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