I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
