My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
